Confessions of a Would-be Gourmand and Jetsetter

Have I mentioned how much I loathe flying Northwest?

I’m glad that it was purchased by Delta, but even then I’m excessively concerned with the 30 year old, dilapidated DC-9s still bussing people around the airways. It’s even worse because every experience I’ve had with them in, oh four flights in the past five years (I’m sorry, American and Southwest… I was a little drunk and crazy, I didn’t mean to cheat on you guys!) has been a rather poor experience.

I’ve long forgiven the world for going so PC that we no longer have flight attendants in hotpants, and despite my long-standing hot but rocky relationship with American Airlines, they have got nothing on Northwest.

Northwest has the allure of that girl, across the hotel bar at 12:30 in the morning, when you’re single, there on business, and have been drinking on the company’s dime for four hours. Oh sure, there’s a bit of flirting after you walk over, and she seems interesting, but you’re too lit up to know otherwise. When they close the place down and kick everyone out, there may be a poor decision or eight involved. You have no idea until the next day what a rotten idea it was, and by then your sole concern is to do damage control and try and keep yourself from making that mistake again.

Sitting at the Northwest gate at DFW terminal E is like the doubts you have while following the girl back to her room and having a slightly sober moment going “oh no, what the hell am I doing?” I only mention this because when you can smell the booze on the small bolder of a man across from you, and the trailer trash woman with two front teeth missing has just told her child “Baby, can you please get mama’s hair pick out of her bag?” that you truly understand something may be wrong. The true kicker, though, is the cold disdain with which the flight crew treats you.

I have had some bad flight crews. I had one on a flight to and from London some years back that made break up with American Airlines for nearly six months before we got back together (but boy, did Southwest and I have some crazy times in there! Remember that time in Denver, Southwest? You so crazy!) The level of uncaring with which I have dealt with on Northwest is exceptional, though. From refusal to check for more water when they ran out on a beverage cart, to a passenger being told to “do the math” when asked how much longer the flight was, to being told “whatever” when I thanked the pilots for delivering me to my destination, Northwest has some of the worst service I’ve had to deal with on a flight – ever.

It wouldn’t be so bad, really, if it were a one-off experience, like my trip to London on American, but honestly, when every Northwest flight is the same, it makes me very glad that Delta bought them out and will phase them out of existence. Hopefully Delta will be able to eliminate the sheer apathy of the flight crews as well.

So as much as I stray from my aeronautical relationships from time to time, even with my frequent flyer dalliances, every time I do, I am reminded why I come back. And every now and then, I remember that I loathe flying Northwest.